Nice has great pizza, I guess it’s because at one time it was actually part of Italy, and not that long ago too. So the other night we went out for pizza (La Voglia, Cours Saleya, Nice). After living in Mexico for so long, it is now hard for me to have pizza without dried chili sprinkled on it. But in France, all they have is this bottle of oil with some full chilies in it, and it is never very hot; all you end up doing is loading your pizza up with oil (yeah, just what a high-cal pizza needs). I was going bring back some dried chili from Mexico, but forgot.

So on the table that night they bring out the bottle of oil, but this one has hardly any chilies in it, just these small things at the bottom of the bottle. So I asked, and surprisingly, received, dried chili on its own. Different though than I’m used to, they were small but were not ground up yet. So I grabbed a few and ground them up in my hands over the pizza.

First mistake.

That worked well to grind up the chili onto the pizza and evenly distribute it, but when I tasted it I realized they were quite strong. After the second piece of pizza I started picking what I could see of chili bits off of my pizza to try and lower the temperature. Then I scratched my nose. Second mistake. And then my nose starting running. When it hit the chili powder I had now laced my nose with, it exploded in heat. So what did I do? I rubbed it some more, and it got worse. I tried to bear it but finally had to excuse myself from the table and go to the washroom.

Someone was at the wash basin so I first used the urinal. Another mistake. When finished I lathered up my hands to get it all off, and then I started washing my facing, thinking it was all off of my hands. Fourth mistake. It wasn’t. And then I opened my eyes. Fifth mistake. I kept splashing water on my face, hoping I could cool it off and get the chili off. I backed off and looked for paper towels. No paper towels, just an air dryer. No way to dry my wet face and get the chili water away from my eyes. Only toilet paper. After multiple attempts, that worked.

But then I started feeling a burning in my crotch. I had now passed the chili burn to my crotch, when I’d peed! Since it never eased the burn when I washed my face, I wasn’t going to start washing down there as well; just imagine what someone would’ve thought if they walked in at that time.

Dried off and went back to the table. Explained to my wife and daughter the situation, which of course they found hilarious; which it was, at my expense.

I continued eating my pizza but my nose kept watering and then my eyes as well. So I picked up my napkin, which I had been cleaning my hands with all night, and dried my eyes. Immediate burn! Now I’m burning at two ends and I don’t know how to stop it. I woofed down the pizza, left money on the table, apologized, and ran home. Got in the shower and dammit, the chili was still there no matter how many times I cleaned my hands and face. Finally I finished and just laid back on the bed and waited for it to pass; which it did after about a 1/2 hour.

Amazing chilies…